You should not come to DC if...

1) If you are under the age of 16 and are travelling in droves of pubescent middle-schoolers, you should not come to DC.

2) If you are driving a giant-ass tour bus that likes to stop in intersections and NOT stop at crosswalks, you should not come to DC.

3) You know what, if you're driving a tour bus period, I don't really want to see you in this city. I hate those fucking things.

4) If you are a chaperone/teacher who thinks it's cute to dress your children in matching highlighter yellow t-shirts, you should not come to DC.

5) If you are one of those karma-happy, I-like-to-do-yoga, everything-is-chill-and-I-do-not-rush-myself people, you REALLY should not come to DC. I understand that YOU don't care if you're on time for your bike tour, and that you want pictures of every last thing in this city and don't mind being back a half-hour late, but I, as your tour guide, would like to be home on time.

6) If you cannot be bothered to read signs on the Metro machines, you should not come to DC.

7) If you have bratty children who like to tell the tour guide that she's doing everything wrong, and if you tell those children to ride at the front of the bike tour, keep your ass at home.

BUT...if you happen to be polite, able to use public transportation (and not at rush hour), and if you have not decided somewhere along the line that it was a brilliant idea to tote a bunch of misbehaved children or lip-curling, snooty teenagers en masse to this city...welcome to Washington. We're happy to have you.