Etiquette Tips for Tourists

1) If you see someone interesting (i.e. an Indian woman in a sari), don't snap his or her picture (at least not so that it's obvious to them), especially if you're sitting in a crowded bus. It makes things awkward for the rest of us.

2) Don't stand in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture. I can't emphasize this enough. It's obnoxious, and even though we're being polite and stopping for you, we're secretly dreaming of snatching your camera and throwing it in the nearest puddle.

3) Squirrels (and other wildlife) are great. They're cute. But please don't stalk them while trying to hand them food. They're not coming home with you.

4) Don't be rude when asking for directions. You just may end up in a part of town that's not so great for clueless folks like yourself...or we might direct you to a street that doesn't exist and leave you wandering downtown, confused as hell. (Tip: If someone directs you to J Street...don't listen to them.)

5) Accept the fact that you're a visitor. It's OK. Trying to be hip and blending in with the locals just makes you even more annoying because (I'll clue you in on a secret) WE CAN TELL you're from out of town. And that's OK, just so long as you're not being an obnoxious twatbag of a tourist.

Dear Washington DC Tourists,

1) STOP BLOCKING THE SIDEWALK. Hasn't anyone ever taught you how not to walk in clumps?

2) Along the same lines, the Washington Monument is visible from virtually every single spot on the National Mall. It's really not necessary to stop and take a picture of it from the middle of the sidewalk.

3) The next time I catch a group of you blocking the turnstiles to the Metro trains while I'm trying to get through with my bike and my train is coming, I promise I will throw things at you.

4) Could you kindly not stop and ask me for a brochure right as the light is turning green and I'm about to cross Constitution Avenue with a group of 15 cyclists at rush hour? Maybe you could take a look at and call the phone number we have typed in 100-point font on the 15 wheel insert advertisements...

Dear Washington DC Locals,

1) STOP WITH THE FUCKING BIKE BELL ALREADY. Yes, the sidewalks are shared pedestrian/cycling paths, and yes, bike bells are handy things, but that doesn't mean you need to go whizzing through at 50 mph on your road bike while clanging a bell and screaming "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!!" to everyone in sight.

2) Could you at least attempt to not knock softballs right into my groups of tourists? Those things hurt, even if we are wearing helmets.

3) Stop blocking my tours. You're not that important, even though you have a suit on.

4) On that same note, stop sneering and rolling your eyes at tourists. You do realize that tourism is this city's biggest and by far most profitable industry, right?

And for this week...

On my shit list:

The family of 9 from Belleville, IL. Specifically, the one who yelled at us for switching their tour time to an evening tour when the heat index was 109 during the day. Even more specifically, the guy in the family who said "What, is the Obama administration now trying to regulate when we can take bike tours?" Who was the same guy who passed an Indian family on the mall and yelled "Welcome to America!"

It disgusts me how rude and ignorant people (especially Americans) can be sometimes.

Young'uns

And one more entry for the day.

I have to say, as much as I really, really, really can't stand some (many) kids, there is nothing more charming in this world than a well-mannered child. And the few that are out there are forcing me to change my primary adjective describing children as a whole from "sticky" to "kinda cute."

Last night, it was a scorching 90+ degrees, even as it got dark. One dad on the tour was pulling two of his kids along in a Burley, and it was pretty cramped quarters for them. Now, normally kids whine and cry and complain about the Burleys, especially when it's hot and getting late--and really, who can blame them? But as we were pulling up to Jefferson, I heard the two little kids (aged about 4 and 6) yelling "Go Daddy, go! Go Daddy, go!" as he maneuvered his way through the tight spaces and concrete barriers. They were cheering their dad on rather than complaining about being jostled around. My heart melted just a little bit.

It got even better when the little boy couldn't stop grinning at me at the end of the tour. He kept reminding me of his name and saying "Thanks for the bike!" And his two older brothers, aged about 10 and 12, were trying to take each other out on their bikes until I told them to cut it out. And they listened. Without complaint. It was amazing. So, to whoever this family was from Palo Alto, thanks for raising great kids.

There was another girl from another family (I think they were from LA), probably about 12, who was apologizing for her dad being on his phone "24 hours a day" because he kept calling and texting people at each stop. I asked her if he had a job that kept him on the phone a lot, and she said "Yes...but he's standing here in Washington at the Lincoln Memorial, and he's texting someone!" Insightful kid. I told her to remember that for when she gets older.

You know it's too hot to give tours when...

1) You come back from a double tour shift and are so incredibly out of it that one of your managers thinks you have heatstroke.

2) You come home and take off your work uniform only to discover that you have heat rash (again) on your chest.

3) One of your bosses has suggested that guides get trained for what to do when customers pass out.

4) One guide in particular has had 3 people with heat exhaustion on his tours.

5) Your Canadian/New England customers are melting into the sidewalk.

6) The bike seats become too hot to touch after being out in the sun for 5 minutes.

7) The water that you hand out to each customer is hot enough to quickly thaw a chicken breast (or maybe to poach an egg) after being out in the sun for 5 minutes.

8) It's so humid that you have to unstick your legs from each other before getting back on the bike.

9) Tour members start to sway and get woozy after standing outside of the Lincoln Memorial for about 2 minutes (there's no shade there).

10) You see a crowd of people outside the American Indian Museum rubbing their faces and hands all over a mysterious giant block of ice on the sidewalk. They have no idea and they do not care where it came from or why it's there or who touched it last.

11) Your Clif Bars have melted. Yes, melted.

12) It's 103 degrees with 50% or more humidity and DC has issued a heat advisory....

13)...and, with humidity, it's hotter here than it is in Phoenix, Arizona.

Well, duh.

How not to raise your kids

This rant is brought to you by the MOST OBNOXIOUS FAMILY EVER. I've had it up to here with people who don't know how to raise their kids.

A family of 5 from LA came on my tour last night. They seemed nice--at least, the mom, the dad, and the son seemed OK. But I swear to you, the two daughters, aged six and probably 15ish, were the most spoiled rotten individuals I have ever met in my life, and I'm pretty sure neither of them has ever received a stroke of discipline.

Exhibit A: The older one, a sullen teen who kept being short with me and refused to go in any of the memorials, dropped her sunglasses on the ground. Her mother told her to pick them up. She refused, whining "I can't walk!" Then, while rolling her eyes, the mother leans down and picks them up anyway.

Exhibit B: The younger one, aged six with demon hellfire burning behind her eyes, whined throughout the tour. "I'm hot, this is boring, how much longer do we have?" She also talked--LOUDLY--during every single stop. And in spite of her mother occasionally saying (half-heartedly) "Honey, listen to the lady," she would not shut up. At all. To boot, I asked at Vietnam if anyone had any questions. Demon child said "Yes...nothing" in what could only be described as a bitchy tone of voice with a smirk (did I mention she was SIX?) on her face.

Exhibit C: Demon child was on a trailer tandem with her father. She accidentally slipped off (this was right at the end of the tour), and she was completely fine, but she started SCREAMING. In the middle of a crowded sidewalk with pedestrians who were trying to get out of the way of the cars on Constitution Avenue. Her father stops in the middle of the sidewalk to coo over her, holding up the rest of the tour AND all of the pedestrians.

Exhibit C: Oldest girl comes back crying on the tour. "Moooomm, I told you I didn't feel well!" Her mom rolls her eyes, calls her a pain in the ass to me, but says nothing to her teenage daughter. They go get ice cream.

Interestingly, this family was Orthodox Jewish. Prayer tassels, yarmulkas, the whole kit and caboodle. The dad had to check to see if our Clif Bars were kosher (they were). Now...here's my thinking on this. Wouldn't adhering strictly to the tenets of your faith (or any faith) involve NOT allowing your daughters to be complete pains in the ass? And to respect their elders? I guess it's silly of me to expect religious people to be nicer, but it just seems intuitive. It's disappointing when any family is that obnoxious, but especially so when they're supposed to be messengers of God...or whatever. It seems hypocritical.

And, religion or no, I will repeat: I'm really sick of having to deal with parents who clearly don't know how to raise their children. Because it makes for really, really annoying families. Having never been a mother, I'm sure I don't know how difficult it really is, but it cannot be that difficult to keep your children from growing up into heinous individuals.

Growl.

You should not come to DC if...

1) If you are under the age of 16 and are travelling in droves of pubescent middle-schoolers, you should not come to DC.

2) If you are driving a giant-ass tour bus that likes to stop in intersections and NOT stop at crosswalks, you should not come to DC.

3) You know what, if you're driving a tour bus period, I don't really want to see you in this city. I hate those fucking things.

4) If you are a chaperone/teacher who thinks it's cute to dress your children in matching highlighter yellow t-shirts, you should not come to DC.

5) If you are one of those karma-happy, I-like-to-do-yoga, everything-is-chill-and-I-do-not-rush-myself people, you REALLY should not come to DC. I understand that YOU don't care if you're on time for your bike tour, and that you want pictures of every last thing in this city and don't mind being back a half-hour late, but I, as your tour guide, would like to be home on time.

6) If you cannot be bothered to read signs on the Metro machines, you should not come to DC.

7) If you have bratty children who like to tell the tour guide that she's doing everything wrong, and if you tell those children to ride at the front of the bike tour, keep your ass at home.

BUT...if you happen to be polite, able to use public transportation (and not at rush hour), and if you have not decided somewhere along the line that it was a brilliant idea to tote a bunch of misbehaved children or lip-curling, snooty teenagers en masse to this city...welcome to Washington. We're happy to have you.