Dear Washington DC Tourists,

1) STOP BLOCKING THE SIDEWALK. Hasn't anyone ever taught you how not to walk in clumps?

2) Along the same lines, the Washington Monument is visible from virtually every single spot on the National Mall. It's really not necessary to stop and take a picture of it from the middle of the sidewalk.

3) The next time I catch a group of you blocking the turnstiles to the Metro trains while I'm trying to get through with my bike and my train is coming, I promise I will throw things at you.

4) Could you kindly not stop and ask me for a brochure right as the light is turning green and I'm about to cross Constitution Avenue with a group of 15 cyclists at rush hour? Maybe you could take a look at and call the phone number we have typed in 100-point font on the 15 wheel insert advertisements...

Dear Washington DC Locals,

1) STOP WITH THE FUCKING BIKE BELL ALREADY. Yes, the sidewalks are shared pedestrian/cycling paths, and yes, bike bells are handy things, but that doesn't mean you need to go whizzing through at 50 mph on your road bike while clanging a bell and screaming "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!!" to everyone in sight.

2) Could you at least attempt to not knock softballs right into my groups of tourists? Those things hurt, even if we are wearing helmets.

3) Stop blocking my tours. You're not that important, even though you have a suit on.

4) On that same note, stop sneering and rolling your eyes at tourists. You do realize that tourism is this city's biggest and by far most profitable industry, right?